“He Doesn’t Love Me!”

judgingwomen4_smMy former client, through her sobs said, “He doesn’t love me.” She said, “Whenever I ask him to go somewhere, he says no and then just sits around and watches TV.”

I asked her if she wanted to change this judgment. She cried, “But, it’s true!”

Judgments are projected limiting beliefs.

Judgments are the hardest things to address because they seem so real and valid. So true.

We can use our logic to persuade ourselves that if we give up this judgment we are compromising or we are not correcting a problem.

For example, if we think to ourselves that John is messy, it may be a judgment that others would agree with us about.

The question to ask yourself is, “Does this judgment block you from loving?”

When we judge, we usually feel a negative emotion like irritation, frustration or anger.

For example, many times what we’ll do is criticize our partner about their messiness. That may help things for a day or two. The partner may try hard to change his ways. Then he gets busy and he goes back to his normal way of doing things. Or the partner might get angry and become even more messy. Nothing changes, but it increases the stress between the two of you.

By owning our own negative feelings and judgments about others, we are opening our hearts to love.

By clearing these negative feelings and judgments, we are creating an atmosphere of acceptance and unconditional love.

Do we want to be right, or do we want to love?

Do we want to learn about ourselves and our own blocks to loving? 

Do we want to evolve and allow our hearts expand?

This is the spiritual dilemma. Do we actually choose to deeply and unconditionally love another person? This is what love is all about. This is the discipline of love. Loving is an action.

What if everything that emerges in a relationship that closes down your heart is an opportunity for you to heal and clear? What if that healing can open up to loving more and more?

Imagine that it is your responsibility or choice to heal and release your part in any negative interaction or negative energy that arises in a relationship. That DOESN’T mean that it is your fault or that you are to blame.

Imagine that it is your job to stop this passing back-and-forth of negative energy that occurs when you judge.

Sometimes partners never even breathe a word about what they are thinking to their partner. They are just thinking this negative thought about them and feeling those dark emotions.

They think that by not saying anything, their partner doesn’t know or suspect a thing! But, their partner does know. They do feel it on some energetic level.

Is it the chicken or the egg? The other partner begins to think negative thoughts back. They begin to feel irritated, hurt or angry with their partner. An invisible energetic negative ball is being passed back-and-forth.

Would you like to be the leader at ending this negative interaction and seeing how love and peace and harmony can blossom just by you changing yourself?

Are you ready for the challenge? (Oh, by the way I just want to give credit to Tapas Fleming who created TAT, and Byron Katie for their work in this area.)

OK, I invite you to try this:

Write down some sort of judgment that you have about someone. Anyone. It can be a partner, a friend, co worker- or a family member. The judgment can be something like, “Susan is so slow,” or “Mary  is mean.”

Remember that your mind is going to say that this is true! That doesn’t matter. What matters is how you’re feeling about it and your negative judgment.

Now identify the feeling that you have attached to this judgment.  For example, when you think the thought that Susan is slow, you may feel irritated.

So, I invite you to do a round of Ask and Receive (A&R) with me to address this negative emotion. Just fill in your emotion if it is different from what I am saying.

Repeat with me:

There’s a part of my being that already knows how to heal and release this irritation, what it represents, all of its roots, and its point of entry.

That part of my being is willing to inform the rest of me now.

It’s doing so now with grace and ease.

My mind, body and spirit are receiving this information.

Information transfer is now complete.

Notice how you feel. If you’re still feeling a lot of negative emotion, then just repeat (A&R) until you feel better.

Once your negative feelings have been significantly lowered, then you can start to address the judgment.

Repeat this and just replace your unique judgment as I say:

There’s a part of my being that already knows how to heal and release this judgment that Susan is so slow.

That part of my being is willing to inform the rest of me now.

It’s doing so now with grace and ease.

My mind, body and spirit are receiving this information.

Information transfer is now complete.

Now turn it around. For example, you take, “Susan is so slow”and change it to, “I am so slow.” This is a fascinating process. The insights you get are sometimes quite amazing.

For example, I once treated myself for my judgment toward a family member who was prejudiced toward overweight people. What I discovered when I turned it around to- ” I am prejudiced toward overweight people”- was that I wasn’t prejudiced toward others but very prejudiced toward my own overweight!

Now you are ready to repeat after me:

There’s a part of my being that already knows how I am so slow.

That part of my being is willing to inform the rest of me now.

It’s doing so now with grace and ease.

My mind, body and spirit are receiving this information.

Information transfer is now complete.

 

Now turn it around again. This time, make it more positive. For example, change it to:  “Susan is sometimes fast.”

Now, repeat:

There’s a part of my being that already knows how Susan is sometimes fast.

That part of my being is willing to inform the rest of me now.

It’s doing so now with grace and ease.

My mind, body and spirit are receiving this information.

Information transfer is now complete.

Now check it out in your reality. See if you notice any changes in your thoughts, feelings and reactions in the situation with your selected person.

For example, you may notice that when you see Susan getting out of the car at a pace that is different from your own, that you didn’t even notice it. If you now feel sad, you may want to repeat this process on this new feeling that emerged.

Remember it’s impossible to change someone else. Change ourselves and we change our world. Watch how peace, harmony and love infuses your relationships more and more.

This is the action of loving……

Lots of love,

Pam

PS: Here it is in a nutshell:

Judgments are projected limiting beliefs so they require an extra step.

  1. Treat the thoughts and feelings attached to the judgment.
    1. “She doesn’t care about me,”
  2. Turn around the judgment and treat as if you were the one being judged.
    1. “I don’t care about me,”
    2. “I don’t care about her”.
  3. Treat for the positive (desired thought)
    1. “She does care about me.”

Please, let us know if this helps transform your relationships by writing your comments below.

Thank you,

Pam and Tom

  2 comments for ““He Doesn’t Love Me!”

  1. Mic
    November 4, 2015 at 12:44 am

    Thank you so much, I can see that the practice you suggest would be truly life changing, already from one quick run through I have felt some shifts. I see how I’ve thoroughly convinced myself that my stories are true….but upon examination, the cracks appear!
    Now to remember to integrate this into a daily practice!

    • altaffer
      November 4, 2015 at 11:54 am

      I’m so glad to hear that you have experienced shifts already doing this only one time!

      I agree that this process is life changing and it is also so empowering to know that as we change our beliefs and judgments, we change our world.

      And yes, remembering to apply this consistently in our lives is the challenge. . .

      Please let me know what else you discover as you apply this technique in your life.

      Thank you so much for experimenting with it.

      Warmly,
      Pam

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