Our Fight was Awful

IMG_0088Hey Wonderful,

So you ask: “Do positive, loving, long term relationships actually exist nowadays?”

I answer: “Yes, my Sweet. They do. But they are not for the faint of heart.”

You ask: “Have Tom and you had any rough times together?”

I say: “Of course, my Dearie. EVERY long term relationship has its rough spots!”

You ask: “What did you do when your had a difficult moment in your relationship with Tom?”

This is something I did during one difficult period:

It was about 8 years ago. We had a BIG misunderstanding.

We (yes- we are human and very real) reverted back to some old dysfunctional patterns. We ended up not speaking to one another. It was quite awful.

I felt so misunderstood and alone. Sad. Hurt. Hopeless. I felt panicked that we wouldn’t resolve this.

I judged Tom in my mind for being unreasonable and rigid.

Knowing what I know…I decided to do a WONDERFUL technique to self-calm.

Yep. By myself. Without Tom.

I did it for my yucky feelings: anxiety, hurt, sadness, and hopelessness. (I was afraid that we would never get over this.)

I did it for the misunderstanding between us.

It worked to shift me into a really happy, stable, emotional state.

That affected Tom A LOT. In a positive way. He felt better because I FELT BETTER.

Like the domino effect.

Unbeknownst to me, he then did the technique on his own, and he felt MUCH better.

Later on, we talked calmly and resolved the issue with efficiency and effectiveness.

You ask: “What was this technique?”

I respond: “I use many, many techniques! This one is called Ho’oponopono.”


It is a beautiful Hawaiian indigenous technique that was brought to mainland USA by Dr Hew Len.

In fact, Joe Vitale explains the technique brilliantly in his book, Zero Limits.

My take on Ho’oponopono is that it is based on the idea that whatever is in our reality, we are responsible for.

If anything is in our reality we are consciously or unconsciously accountable for it.

Wow. What this means to me is that even if there is an earthquake in Haiti and we are in the United States, I am consciously or unconsciously responsible for it.

Yes. That’s right. I truly believe that whatever is in my reality, I have co-created on some level.

This includes if I hear about a bad thing happening to a friend or a client. It includes everything in my world that I notice or I am aware of.

Because I have some responsibility for it does not mean that I caused it, that it is my fault, or that I need to feel guilty about it.

It means that it is my responsibility to release whatever contribution I may have made to it, even if that contribution is only an unconscious thought or judgment.

I use Ho’oponopono all the time. It is beautiful. Profound. Deep. Simple.

And I want to share it with you, too.

Here is the protocol for Pam’s Way to do Ho’oponopono:

  • Think of a situation that exists with someone that is troubling you.
  • Identify all feelings that arise in you about this person and/or situation.
  • Say: To God/Spirit/Nature, _____ (the person involved in the situation), and to myself. However consciously or unconsciously I am responsible for this _____ situation…
  • I am so sorry.
  • Please forgive me.
  • Thank you.
  • I love you.

Now remember, Tom and I were not speaking. First I apologized to myself for my own negative feelings.

Only when I felt better could I begin to say I was sorry to Tom. At first it was hard and I didn’t believe my words. I ‘just faked it until I made it.’

So, make it feel real and authentic. Say it with your heart. Be sincere.

Keep repeating Ho’oponopono until it feels natural and honest.

You will know when you say it whether it is real and authentic by whether you feel better or you feel a bit more positive after saying the protocol.

You can add on endearments if you wish. Like: I am so sorry, Sweetie. Or please forgive me, Honey Bunny.

So, for example, here’s what I said for my sadness:

To God, Tom and to myself: For my sadness. However consciously or unconsciously I am responsible for this sadness.

I am so sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

Then I proceeded to do this procedure for my hurt. For example, here is what I said:

To God, Tom and to myself:

For my hurt. However consciously or unconsciously I am responsible for this hurt.

I am so sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

Then I proceeded to do this procedure for hopelessness. For example, here is what I said:

To God, Tom and to myself:

For my hopelessness. However consciously or unconsciously I am responsible for this hopelessness.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

I did Ho’oponopono until I felt much better and there were no longer any lingering negative emotions left.

Then, I did it for the situation. I stated it in matter of fact terms. This is what I said:

For the situation where Tom and I had different points of view on how to handle this situation.

To God, Tom and to myself. However consciously or unconsciously I am responsible for this difference between Tom and I about how to handle this situation.

I am so sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

That’s it!

So, now please try this on a troubling situation in your life.

Rate how bad you feel about it on a scale of 1 to 10. (10 being the worst.)

Then do Ho’oponopono on it.

Rate how you feel again.

Then share what happened for you in this article by posting your comments in the section below.

I can’t wait to hear what your experiences are!

I hope this helps you on your journey of Loving Your Relationships.
Lot’s of Love and Gratitude,


  16 comments for “Our Fight was Awful

  1. Suzanne
    April 9, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    Thanks for the reminder Pam. I trained with Dr. Len many years ago in Montreal.

    You formulated it very well.

    Thank you,


    • altaffer
      April 10, 2015 at 6:18 am

      What wonderful feedback from someone who has been trained in-person with Dr. Len!
      Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me.

  2. April 11, 2015 at 11:13 am

    Beautiful tool to use. I am going to share this with my clients

    • altaffer
      April 13, 2015 at 5:16 am

      I am so glad to hear that it resonated with you! The more we use this technique the more we add much needed love, forgiveness and gratitude to the world.

  3. Kitty
    April 11, 2015 at 8:08 pm

    Pam, thank you for sharing. As I read through your Ho’oponopono practice I felt peace and hope. You have helped me find my peaceful place many times with your wonderful skills, including Ho’oponopono. And thank you for your personal sharing. Blessings from a friend and admirer.

    • altaffer
      April 13, 2015 at 5:21 am

      It is so nice to hear from you, Kitty! Thank you for your precious feedback. Blessings to you my friend!

  4. StevieB
    April 12, 2015 at 1:02 pm

    so nice to be reminded. Thank you. I love you.

    • altaffer
      April 13, 2015 at 5:18 am

      Ahhhhh. Thank you. I love you.

  5. Kim
    April 12, 2015 at 5:42 pm

    Pam, thank you so much for such a clear and inviting example of using Ho’oponopono with a loving relationship. So well written and inviting to this reader! I am smiling as I am using this beautiful tool right now. With Love and respect..

  6. altaffer
    April 13, 2015 at 5:25 am

    Wow. That is what I want! People to smile while using this technique and afterward! Thank you for sharing your experience.

  7. Jan
    April 13, 2015 at 5:27 pm

    Hi Pam,
    thank you for sharing. I’m happy that also you ‘walk your talk’. Helps me a lot!
    And beautiful example of the use of Ho’opnopono. More and more in different fields (therapy and coaching) people start to work with the (inner) parts. Although here it is with the aspects which come up, I can imagine that in this way working with parts is also possible.


    • altaffer
      April 14, 2015 at 9:04 pm

      Absolutely! Working with self parts which are generally constructed through traumatic dissociation involve the locking away of a negative feeling, a limiting belief or judgment and the developmental perspective available to the person at the moment of dissociation. Finding tools for finding and releasing these “parts” is vital to any real healing because these “parts” create our cognitive maps and therefore govern our reality.

      Thank you so much for raising the point!

  8. Becca
    April 14, 2015 at 12:02 am

    Always good to be reminded of things that people find helpful; thanks. If someone is not aware of how they could have contributed to some circumstance, and for those who are programming or language/NLP aware, unnecessarily self-blaming, hypersensitive, or whose unconscious minds are already too self-negating, it has been said that one of the lines could be exchanged for: “I intend/choose that any harm you or I experienced be healed immediately As Divinely Appropriate.” If intentional harm has been done to another, then the original language might be better.

    Another take by the world-renowned philosopher and teacher Ken Wilber is that we are not responsible for everything we hear about, but it is a sound way of living to demonstrate love and compassion wisely 24/7 in any way possible. After leaning into Ho’ponopono for two decades, Wilber’s Integral approach has demonstrated the most success for me.

    • altaffer
      April 14, 2015 at 5:27 pm

      I couldn’t agree more with your comment. Ken Wilber’s integral approach, as well as that of his friend David Deida (quoted in our relationship manual) has strongly informed the various techniques we have created as well as our understanding of relationships and consciousness.
      Responsibility is a difficult word to use in relationship to Ho’ponopono because we use it to attach blame. The real secret is that the story we tell ourselves about all this is unimportant. It is clearing ourselves in relationship to it that is important. As soon as we attach thought, belief or judgment to a thing we engage with it. We want that engagement to be positive and healing, hence Ho’ponopono.

  9. Wonderley
    April 15, 2015 at 2:20 am

    A couple of weeks ago I started reading Joe’s book again
    And now this appeared. I’ll do it with a little more energy
    Thanks–We seem to be all in this together

    • altaffer
      April 16, 2015 at 6:22 am

      Isn’t it wonderful to have support from others on this spiritual journey of unconditionally loving? Thanks for reminding me that we are always supported on this path of evolution—from others and from Spirit. We are never alone.

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